Okay, I said I it, I'm claustrophobic. It took me some time to realize this and I suppose I can't blame it on my big brother throwing blankets over my head when we were kids. Sometimes big cities make me feel liberated and independent, but on some days (like today) they just make me feel like I have no privacy, like I have done something terribly wrong and my punishment is bumping shoulders with tourists and travelers, desperately trying to take more than four steps at a time without feeling like I'm going to pass out or punch somebody. I have only been back in Edinburgh for a few days after living here for about 2 years, but the festival is already bringing out the worst in me. I find myself attempting to flail through the crowds like a wild, ravenous beast; only feeling some remorse when I bump into an elderly person or someone who looks panicked or frightened. Then I am reduced back to a human level and feel a bit guilty and ashamed to have become part of the massive crowd of non-caring tourists who circle around the festival, wandering as if it were a profession. I don't know any of these people, but I am disgusted them, and by myself. This is when I remember I am moving to a mega city with a population of 10 million people and for a minute I feel horrified. I've never lived in Asia before and I can't assert the same sense of ownership that I feel about Edinburgh. I will be a guest in a place where all of my huffing, puffing and crowd dodging won't get me anywhere. On top of this, I will also stand out like a needle in a haystack while I'm doing it. I keep trying to remind myself that I was raised with manners and that patience is a virtue, but I do fear a little bit that I may fade into the crowd. Who knows, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to get lost in a sea of bodies, maybe when I emerge I wont worry so much about how quickly Im traveling, but focus on the destination.
