Facebook, while it is many things, is an outlet for social debate. I posted a comment today about white people dressing in black face for Halloween. It sparked some great conversation and interesting theories....but it also deeply hurt me and made me realize I have a chip on my shoulder. All the way in Asia, I thought I spent little time actually worrying about my race, when it is quite the opposite. I mean it's obvious I am a foreigner, but that applies to black people, white people and folks of any persuasion other than Korean.
Race is such a tender topic for me and I guess it always has been. When I first got to Korea I made a slide show with a photo of both of my parents, my mother being white and my father black. So many of my kids gasped when my fathers image came up on the screen. "Ooh, very black" "Ooh Africa" they said, which was followed shortly thereafter by questions about whether I tan or not and if I think I am pretty. An interesting question, which made me realize. I spend so much time "being mixed" that I never just get to be me. And really whose fault is that? I can't blame past experiences, or racist people I've encountered. It is something I have let become a part of me. As a result, I think of myself in terms of black and white or gray, always the other. This complex has made me incredibly tolerant of every person I've ever met, but more than mildly judgmental of myself. I never feel "pretty," because I never feel like the standard. I'm not even sure I know what the standard is. When people say I am intelligent, I assume they mean intelligent for my background, or upbringing, but I never see myself as being properly included. I know that I am so much more than a color, but I just don't know what yet.
At the age of 25, I still feel like a kid again, every time I have to justify how I feel about race or myself in relation to a particular ethnicity or group. I always feel like I am outside looking in, no matter how close I am to the situation or people. I want very badly to focus on me, not my place in a group and certainly not whether they are thinking of me as strange or different, or the exception. I've never felt black enough, or white enough or really anything enough to have a place to identify. When I was a kid, I made sure that I was funny. If I was the funny kid, I didn't have to be the mixed kid. When people would say something horrible about my hair, my features, my family or my skin tone- I would make it into a joke. It was a defense of sorts, but it is also something that has carried over into my adult life. It is something that makes me very angry and more sad than I often care to admit.
How do I forget about it, when it's everywhere.On my ID when asked to pick a race, I sat there for 45 minutes refusing to select just one. Every time I fill in a survey or a box I see reminders that I just don't fit neatly, I can't just "please choose one." When I'm in a relationship and my boyfriend's mother says, "you're so sweet, I just wish he was dating a black girl" or a "white girl," how do I ignore it. When the media says "beautiful for a black woman" or "alabaster chic" do I acknowledge that I will be called "exotic" which has become code for, uncomfortable with our inability to define you.
I'm pretty tired of being tired and I'm even more tired of being the "other." I really just want to be me for a while, whoever that is.
Hey Maggie,
ReplyDeleteWell said! However I really hope you decided that the family that allowed that comment "you're so sweet, I just wish he was dating a black girl or a white girl" was VERY not worthy of you.
The people who can tick one box I've heard usually wish they were more "exotic". Some of the best people are the ones who cannot be defined by a simple check in a box, and no one should be forced to think that they should, even if they can.
Maggie!! First, I've always wanted to tell you how beautiful you are (in a straight way). Second, everyone has to struggle with their identity at some point. You might be thinking "what do you know of racial struggle, you're white." Which to some degree is true, but I went through a really rough time hating myself for being white. Why did my skin color mean I was more trusted than some of my non-white friends? Why did it mean was more professional, more beautiful, more....
ReplyDeleteThe fact that those questions even existed made me hate myself. I've held many young black girls in my arms desperately trying to convince them that they were beautiful while they cried and stroked my hair wishing it was theirs. It made me want to shave my head be done with being white. The world has done a horrifyingly wonderful job of convincing us that our value is physical. It was then that I realized that I was hating a part of who God made me to be. And that was worse. Although I still hate the standards of the world and turn into a watery basketcase when I think about those little girls, I've turned to embrace every part of me. I've also identified the different in me. I held a piece of computer paper up to myself and decided I didn't match. Genetically I'm German. But when I'm loud and boisterous, I'm Black. When I'm quiet and reserved, I'm Asian. When I'm affectionate, I'm Latino. When I'm angry, I'm Irish. When I'm playing rugby, I'm Samoan ;-). Obviously I don't mean these literally, they're qualities I've acquired from befriending different people of these backgrounds because they are qualities I appreciate and enjoy so I make them my own. The realities of this world haven't changed, and it still makes my heart ache, but I've chosen to reject the world's standards and cling to the standard of beauty set by the Creator of all Nations and Tribes.
Blah blah blah, I guess this wasn't really an attempt to help you sort anything out, it was merely a word vomit of my own experience that you can take or leave for what it's worth. It will take a while, but I hope you find a way to love yourself like everybody else loves you!!
~helga
Very intriguing blog post! Living in Korea has definitely increased the amount of time that I spend thinking about my ethnicity/race/culture. Your perspective of someone of mixed heritage is really enlightening! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete